Advice please

[Gemaholic]

As Gemsnob said on her thread regarding her daughter, I too have hesitated to get personal. Her willingness to share has given me the courage to do the same.

I have a good friend w/terminal cancer. Since her diagnosis just over a year ago, she has kept me at arms length. Very likely if I were in her shoes I would not want my friends to see me fading away.

I have often sent her texts just to let her know I love her & am thinking of her. She's not doing well, not sure how much longer she has. Her mom (who I have great respect for) told me it would be better not to text anymore. I don't want to blatantly disregard her own mother's wishes but I don't want my friend to think I don't care about her.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? I'm at a loss & feel helpless. I would appreciate any input any of you have....please

Hmm, well I have a very rare neuromuscular autoimmune disease (no it’s not MS). I actually came close to dying three years ago. I had some friends that felt awkward and didn’t know what to do and so they didn’t reach out thinking I wanted to be alone. I had another set of friends that reached out and just were there for me and let me be me whether I wanted to not talk about it, talk about it or just completely talk about complete nonsense. Then I had another set of friends that talked to me and were there for me but they pitied me and treated me as if I was going to be dead the next day. Out of the three, I really appreciated the friends that were just there for me and let me be me. It hurt so much that certain friends didn’t reach out. Even though their intentions were not malicious, it made me feel as if I was damaged goods. My suggestion is to just send her a message saying that you are there for her in whatever way she needs and if she needs space, you will still love her and pray for her recovery and that you’ll be right there waiting for her when she’s ready. I got some messages like that and those people are like family to me now. I wouldn’t just take what her mom says as the truth. Many times moms think they’re doing their kid good but the only one that knows what’s good for her is your friend. If she hasn’t personally told you to go away, I think you should send a message similar to what I suggested and just wait for her response. Always trust your gut and do what feels right. Hope this helps and I am so sorry you’re going through this

[honey]

such beautiful expressions from the family on this very forum, such
a blessing. sharing your feelings and prayers is a Godsend and you're
all special angels! YOU'RE ALL SPECIAL ANGELS!
God has a plan for each of us and his loving kindnesses are many.

[Blossom]

As Gemsnob said on her thread regarding her daughter, I too have hesitated to get personal. Her willingness to share has given me the courage to do the same.

I have a good friend w/terminal cancer. Since her diagnosis just over a year ago, she has kept me at arms length. Very likely if I were in her shoes I would not want my friends to see me fading away.

I have often sent her texts just to let her know I love her & am thinking of her. She's not doing well, not sure how much longer she has. Her mom (who I have great respect for) told me it would be better not to text anymore. I don't want to blatantly disregard her own mother's wishes but I don't want my friend to think I don't care about her.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? I'm at a loss & feel helpless. I would appreciate any input any of you have....please

Hmm, well I have a very rare neuromuscular autoimmune disease (no it’s not MS). I actually came close to dying three years ago. I had some friends that felt awkward and didn’t know what to do and so they didn’t reach out thinking I wanted to be alone. I had another set of friends that reached out and just were there for me and let me be me whether I wanted to not talk about it, talk about it or just completely talk about complete nonsense. Then I had another set of friends that talked to me and were there for me but they pitied me and treated me as if I was going to be dead the next day. Out of the three, I really appreciated the friends that were just there for me and let me be me. It hurt so much that certain friends didn’t reach out. Even though their intentions were not malicious, it made me feel as if I was damaged goods. My suggestion is to just send her a message saying that you are there for her in whatever way she needs and if she needs space, you will still love her and pray for her recovery and that you’ll be right there waiting for her when she’s ready. I got some messages like that and those people are like family to me now. I wouldn’t just take what her mom says as the truth. Many times moms think they’re doing their kid good but the only one that knows what’s good for her is your friend. If she hasn’t personally told you to go away, I think you should send a message similar to what I suggested and just wait for her response. Always trust your gut and do what feels right. Hope this helps and I am so sorry you’re going through this

Gemaholic, I'm sorry you had to go through that. What you say does make sense. Thank you for sharing.

[Blossom]

Blossom - I've been in your place. I've been both the friend & caretaker of people that I've loved who have battled cancer. With all the respect in the world to her wishes.....Please make that daily call, she may not wish to speak to you but her mom needs you too. Just a brief call or message to let them know that you are praying and thinking about them will mean the world to them both.
Blossom I am so sorry I know how difficult this is and I am sending prayers for your friend and her family and the biggest warmest hug I can send to you- Gypsy

Thank you Gypsy. It means so much that you & others have given me their perspective. I'm so sorry you have first hand knowledge. Life can be so tough. Sometimes it's hard to know the right thing to do. Thank you for the prayers &the hug too.

[Blossom]

such beautiful expressions from the family on this very forum, such
a blessing. sharing your feelings and prayers is a Godsend and you're
all special angels! YOU'RE ALL SPECIAL ANGELS!
God has a plan for each of us and his loving kindnesses are many.

You're so right honey! Blessings for everyone

[RS]

Good morning Blossom,

I hope you were able to rest. In my just woke up bleary-eyed state my first act is to post to you.

I am certain you have received so much sage advice from all the wonderful people on this forum so mine may seem too little too late. I have never been in your position and really could not think of a good answer last night.

I can only offer this:

I would still reach out to her. However, I would write her a handwritten letter, perhaps with a photo of the two of you included, rather than texting.
Your letter is a tangible way for her to continue to feel the love and support coming from you. Even when she may feel alone she can hold that letter in her hands and simply KNOW you are with her. It was touched and held by you first and then given to her. The bonus is your words on the paper. Tell her how much you care and perhaps share a memory of some time spent together to remind her just what kind of a friend she has in you!
You may wish to send more than one. I think that would be a wonderful idea. Perhaps not daily. She may THINK she doesn’t want anybody around but actually that’s not the case.
She is isolating. And that is actually a cry for help. She needs you. But you must tread lightly. You can’t push or it will create a chasm.
I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and your love and concern for your friend comes through loud and clear.

I wish your friend all the best. I wish her freedom from the pain and worry she must also be feeling.

And most of all I wish both of you peace and love.

[Gemsnob]

As Gemsnob said on her thread regarding her daughter, I too have hesitated to get personal. Her willingness to share has given me the courage to do the same.

I have a good friend w/terminal cancer. Since her diagnosis just over a year ago, she has kept me at arms length. Very likely if I were in her shoes I would not want my friends to see me fading away.

I have often sent her texts just to let her know I love her & am thinking of her. She's not doing well, not sure how much longer she has. Her mom (who I have great respect for) told me it would be better not to text anymore. I don't want to blatantly disregard her own mother's wishes but I don't want my friend to think I don't care about her.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? I'm at a loss & feel helpless. I would appreciate any input any of you have....please

This is tough. I wonder if her mom is her caregiver and having a very hard time and maybe not getting the emotional and physical support she needs? Also, your friend may have trouble seeing the hurt in others right now and her mom is trying to protect her. My gut says a physical handwritten card is the right call and it may be appropriate to include her mom in this as well. Im so sorry this is happening. So many emotions are unforseen when someone is sick and it is terminal. I will pray for you and your friend. I always pray for wisdom and guidance. Please keep us posted. ❤

[Blossom]

Good morning Blossom,

I hope you were able to rest. In my just woke up bleary-eyed state my first act is to post to you.

I am certain you have received so much sage advice from all the wonderful people on this forum so mine may seem too little too late. I have never been in your position and really could not think of a good answer last night.

I can only offer this:

I would still reach out to her. However, I would write her a handwritten letter, perhaps with a photo of the two of you included, rather than texting.
Your letter is a tangible way for her to continue to feel the love and support coming from you. Even when she may feel alone she can hold that letter in her hands and simply KNOW you are with her. It was touched and held by you first and then given to her. The bonus is your words on the paper. Tell her how much you care and perhaps share a memory of some time spent together to remind her just what kind of a friend she has in you!
You may wish to send more than one. I think that would be a wonderful idea. Perhaps not daily. She may THINK she doesn’t want anybody around but actually that’s not the case.
She is isolating. And that is actually a cry for help. She needs you. But you must tread lightly. You can’t push or it will create a chasm.
I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and your love and concern for your friend comes through loud and clear.

I wish your friend all the best. I wish her freedom from the pain and worry she must also be feeling.

And most of all I wish both of you peace and love.

RS, I so appreciate your reply. I can tell you & others have not replied without giving it thought first & it means everything to me.
I know now, thanks to all of you, I cannot simply do nothing. Regrets are a hard pill to swallow if its even possible. Thank you for the warm thoughts & advice.

Your son is fortunate to have you in his corner!

[Blossom]

As Gemsnob said on her thread regarding her daughter, I too have hesitated to get personal. Her willingness to share has given me the courage to do the same.

I have a good friend w/terminal cancer. Since her diagnosis just over a year ago, she has kept me at arms length. Very likely if I were in her shoes I would not want my friends to see me fading away.

I have often sent her texts just to let her know I love her & am thinking of her. She's not doing well, not sure how much longer she has. Her mom (who I have great respect for) told me it would be better not to text anymore. I don't want to blatantly disregard her own mother's wishes but I don't want my friend to think I don't care about her.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? I'm at a loss & feel helpless. I would appreciate any input any of you have....please

This is tough. I wonder if her mom is her caregiver and having a very hard time and maybe not getting the emotional and physical support she needs? Also, your friend may have trouble seeing the hurt in others right now and her mom is trying to protect her. My gut says a physical handwritten card is the right call and it may be appropriate to include her mom in this as well. Im so sorry this is happening. So many emotions are unforseen when someone is sick and it is terminal. I will pray for you and your friend. I always pray for wisdom and guidance. Please keep us posted. ❤

Yes her mom is a primary caregiver & I'm sure exhausted & heartbroken. My friend doesn't want others (including me) to see her which makes it more difficult for her mom. I know her mom is a strong woman who is just trying to follow her daughter's wishes. But when her mom told me I shouldn't text, I was speechless. You're right, I need to include her mom more than I have.
I'm thinking a card/letter as you & others have suggested may be the best approach to open communication again.

Thank you Gemsnob for the thoughts & prayers. I wish the best for you & your daughter. She's lucky to have you on her side!

[Ginger]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, I keep you all in prayers. I can only give experience from situations in my life-when my late Grandfather was battling cancer in 2001, he knew it was terminal and never wanted anyone to feel sorry for him. He had days where he didn’t want to talk & some days he would talk about anything, including his childhood. I lived close by, so I was there pretty much every day. I wouldn’t try to get him to talk if he didn’t feel like it but I just wanted him to know I was there. I didn’t want to crowd him, if that makes sense, but wanted him to know he was dearly loved. I think you should send her a beautiful card-a happy card-and let her and her Mom know you are thinking about her, miss her and would love to see her when she wants to. Lots of people just showed up at my Grandfather’s home, sometimes on his worst days when he was barely able to talk or sit up. I know he felt uncomfortable and I did limit the time of visits, not out of meanness to them but out of respect for him, since I was seeing his pain. I asked him eventually to tell me when he wanted visitors or when he wanted to be left alone. It was the most painful experience seeing him go through this and one I will always cherish because I was there with him until the end. My point, after such a long story, is that to let your friend know you want to see her in a cheerful happy card and write her lovely memories of you both. Sometimes people forget just how much they are loved and how much true friends want to be around them. I will be praying for you all and hopefully you will see her soon. Patience is key, understanding is a must and the love you have for them is timeless. My prayers for you All. Ginger