Gypsy wrote: ↑4 years ago
My heartfelt prayers continue for each and everyone of you caring for a loved one whether you have posted or are just reading. It's hard for me to read without reliving memories that are painful but yet it helps. I was the the caregiver for my elderly father in law after a bad car accident. My husband was one of 9 children so there should've been alot of help....there wasnt. I tried to help my aging mother but that relationship has been destroyed. Even though it feels like yesterday, years ago, I spent 3 months in a hospital room far away from my home and other child( who stayed with my best friend )while I helplessly watched my 5 year old son die. Thank god my husband & I had each other then. And had to be strong for other young son
I've got over 30 years experience fighting the VA
arguing about treatments , fighting for treatments,
begging for vouchers and then finally having to spend the last 3 months of my husband's life the exact same way I spent my youngest sons Sitting helplessly in a hospital room holding his hand. My son and my husband died 26 years and 1 day of each other. There are two days in a certain month that I still dont cope well with. So when I tell you that I understand how truly hard this is for you and how exhausted I know you are and how extremely lucky that each of us that we have been able to talk here ...just being able to share is helpful . I truly mean it. This support that has grown between friends here is so amazing.
My point to telling you this is that when I lost my husband and my eldest had to fly home I was completely alone and had no one to talk to. The one person I tried to talk to said and this is exact quote
"Dont worry you'll find someone new" this was said to me less than one week after my husband died.
I didnt try to talk to anyone about how sad I was again.
I will continue to pray for each of you
@Gypsy I read slowly then reread your post and I truly feel the pain you have from losing your dear son and husband. It's raw and I feel my own pain when I read it from losing my husband and being completely helpless as he slipped away over five months of diagnosis with terminal cancer. His family (mom and dad and sister) came to see him twice. I had no one to help me except my mom who was angel to have to confide in but limited with helping. Please allow me to share my story with you to relate how I may understand, a little, how you might feel...
,
After my husband died, I had the most insensitive comments made to me that I will never forget and I get angry thinking about it. After
one week, I was in my room crying hard for my husband, wailing, and my mom came in and told me "You need to get over this." --- I was stunned and I wanted to plow into her but I didn't. I was so angry at her for so long. Then my brother came for the funeral, and I absentmindedly said, "I just wish I had one more minute with him," -- and my brother said, "Why? You knew he was going to die." -- it made me hate him (I don't) but at that moment - I hated his guts. My family is by nature cold - and I always said I was the black sheep because I'm all emotion and they look down on it. They treat me as crazy if I cry. I just closed off and didn't speak with anyone and started grieving alone.
I had my husband's memorial two weeks after he passed and all my neighbors attended except next door to me who my husband and I were somewhat close with. My husband did things for them all the time - helped them with installing appliances, repairs (he could do anything) heavy lifting of things, etc. We would bbq and bring them some...etc. They called me the day
before and apologized that they couldn't attend the memorial as they had already planned a
home jewelry party. A jewelry party. Now, they didn't know when he would pass - but it was pretty obvious - regardless - a party was indecent in his last days. (our houses are very close in proximity). After the memorial, I had a lot of family and friends come to my house to be with me and visit (most were from out of town/out of State about 30+people) and eat all the food that I had received that I couldn't possibly eat. When we drove up to my house, there were cars parked up and down the street, in front of my house, and people were in their yard, laughing and having a good time. My family/friends didn't have a place to park except in my front yard then that wasn't enough. It was horrible and a nightmare! I will never forget it. A full blown party. They knew my husband was dying a hard death, and was at his end and needed quiet and peace, but they thought they wanted to throw a party? My other neighbors who attended were disgusted and embarrassed for me as well. They offered their yards to park (which meant damaging their lawn - I offered to have it repaired but all said no). The insensitivity to my neighbors damaged our relationship forever. They KNEW they had done wrong but they never apologized and I barely saw them again. Just a wave from our driveway here and there.
People never cease to amaze me at how self-serving and insensitive they are.
@Gypsy I shared the above to let you know, I too, understand the slights people act when you are in your most deepest pain. It makes things worse and it's ugly. It rips your soul apart. But please know that I somewhat (I won't say I "know" but I get it) understand your pain by relating it to mine. All I can say is that I'm deeply sorrowful for your loss of your son and husband and your pain. You
NEVER get over it. To say so by others is insensitive and wrong. You only learn to cope with it. No matter how long ago it happened, it still as if it just happened....always. Its a place in time that doesn't distance itself.
Gypsy, thank you for sharing.... I too believe the more you talk about this the more it sorts out in your heart. Trust is hard to build back - and there's always a worry of some insensitive person making light of it. I'm here for you and anyone here. I've been to the dark side and I'm here.
I wish I could sit with you for the afternoon over hot tea and just visit and share/laugh/cry. (((HUGS)))
