Sounds like a personal problem

[JewelryQueen]

...and it is! My daughter is getting married in 10 days (again) and I am really having a hard time working up any enthusiasm for this wedding. Ya notice I haven't mentioned it. Maybe you all have some advice or suggestions for me.

The first problem is I adore my ex-son-in-law. He has a heart of gold, is the father of my two grandchildren, is bright,and one of the hardest working men I have ever seen. He is still heartbroken over the divorce. He is not demonstrative-kind of the strong silent type but when I baked a birthday cake for him with his name on it and gave him a small housewarming gift for his new house he almost cried. He bought a house 10 minutes away from his kids as he works long hours and wants to spend the maximum time possible with them. Just the kind of guy he is. He pays exorbitant child support even though they have a one week with him-one week with her agreement. He also pays spousal support although he did not have to because they were not quite married for ten years. I hope he figures out he should stop that when she gets remarried!

Which brings me to my second problem which is I do not like my daughter's fiancee. He has terrible PTSD and takes no medicine or therapy for it and I think he is dangerous. Particularly since my daughter is bi-polar and refuses to admit it or treat it. The son-in-law-to-be works as a photographer for a non-profit and only goes on assignment infrequently so he does not make much money but travels. In fact I believe he told his employer that they were already married so my daughter could go on a 10 day assignment with him to Hawaii last month. (It is a Christian organization) I thought this was unethical. While my daughter's ex paid many many thousands of dollars for training/education for my daughter-she wanted to be a helicopter pilot--then a nurse (missing two classes to graduate before she realized there are sick people in hospitals and they may be contagious)--then a website designer. She basically has never had a full time job outside the home in her life. Sure she gets lots of attention because for all intent and purposes neither of them work!

It doesn't take a slab of Shattuckite for me to forsee disaster here, Ideas anyone? Advice? Anything?

[Gypsy]

Well ask a hard question why dont you
I couldn't begin to give you advice on this.....but I will send you my sincerest prayers for guidance-

[JewelryQueen]

Thank you Gypsy. I think I need all the prayers I can get on this one. I just pray I don't go off in 10 days. I have been known to speak my mind even when I shouldn't. Pray hard!

[Gem Lover]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. The one thing you should not do is tell her not to marry him or it might make her stop talking to you but maybe nicely point out that with her working and him not making much she will not have the life she had before and remind her that once she is married she is not entitled to spousal support. I do not blame you for being worried. She does have to learn by her own mistakes as hard as it is for us to watch. How much does she know about this man? I would hate to see her end up like I did. Have you thought of paying to have a background check done on him without her knowing to see what comes up? I learned the hard way that people are not always what the seem but what they want you to see and he might have more in his past then what she is aware of. I found out at my ex's trial that he had been in Federal prison for 10 years before I met him and had only been out 2 years when I started dating him and he had over a 100 page police record, he hid everything very well. What ever you do you do not want to push her away because than he will have that much more control over her if you are not in the picture.

[lvgirl120583]

I know my mom felt the same way when I married my ex-husband. My ex-husband couldn't hold a job more than for a few months. Everyone tried to talk me out of it but I was adamant about getting married. Also, 6 months before I got married, my dad passed away from cancer. My mom gave me every opportunity to work away but I could't do it. Everyone around me knew I was unhappy but I had to do it in on my own terms. I woke up on a November morning and I knew in my heart that my marriage was over. I left that night and never looked back. My ex-husband and I were married for a little over a year. I recently got re-married and everyone in my family loves him.

[honey]

@JewelryQueen
Sorry for the turmoil within.
What would you like to see happen?
If there can never be reconciliation between your
daughter and ex, it's apparent that you still want
to see them and your grandchildren be happy.

While the ex does not seem to be going downhill,
there is the hope that he will find another love,
with your continued blessing and admiration.

Though you have filled us in on your daughters
choice, I don't know what to say exactly. There
is treatment for the conditions of which she and
fiancé currently deal with, counseling and support
groups and they need to seek professional
help as soon as possible.

Which leaves you, Dear JewelryQueen to tell both
your daughter and newbie, where you stand, and
your fears. Sharing, without going off the deep end,
could be the best possible thing you can do and help
to see some light at the end of this tunnel.

You're in for seeing a lot of things that your not
going to like and if they never physically harm each
other, that will be half of the concerns off your
shoulders. We gotta turn the circumstances that
we can not change over to God.

I'll be praying that you find everything you need
this next ten days to impart your wisdom woman!,
and perhaps make the biggest impact ever, to have
your daughter and newbie make beneficial changes
for their future. With all that I just wrote, it's our
nature to want to see the bright side.

Respectfully,
Love and prayers

[JewelryQueen]

Thank you Gem Lover.

I would like to know what a background check would show although I don't think it will influence my daughter in any way. I do believe he is trying to "cut her away from the herd" in order to isolate and control her (although good luck with that-I never could). He was very upset when the kid's Dad bought a house close to them.

By the way, I would also like to thank you for your previous post sharing your past experience in this area. It was very brave of you. I too had a similar experience although not as bad-- but was too overcome to reply at the time. I think way too many incidents of domestic violence are not talked about or reported so it is more frequent than anyone could imagine.

At this point I am just trying to not alienate my daughter and be there for her. But this wedding is surely going to test me and I don't have the self control I used to have. Send me good thoughts.

[JewelryQueen]

Thank you too Honey.

You seem to have grasped my situation quite well. Keep the prayers for all of us coming!

[Blossom]

...and it is! My daughter is getting married in 10 days (again) and I am really having a hard time working up any enthusiasm for this wedding. Ya notice I haven't mentioned it. Maybe you all have some advice or suggestions for me.

The first problem is I adore my ex-son-in-law. He has a heart of gold, is the father of my two grandchildren, is bright,and one of the hardest working men I have ever seen. He is still heartbroken over the divorce. He is not demonstrative-kind of the strong silent type but when I baked a birthday cake for him with his name on it and gave him a small housewarming gift for his new house he almost cried. He bought a house 10 minutes away from his kids as he works long hours and wants to spend the maximum time possible with them. Just the kind of guy he is. He pays exorbitant child support even though they have a one week with him-one week with her agreement. He also pays spousal support although he did not have to because they were not quite married for ten years. I hope he figures out he should stop that when she gets remarried!

Which brings me to my second problem which is I do not like my daughter's fiancee. He has terrible PTSD and takes no medicine or therapy for it and I think he is dangerous. Particularly since my daughter is bi-polar and refuses to admit it or treat it. The son-in-law-to-be works as a photographer for a non-profit and only goes on assignment infrequently so he does not make much money but travels. In fact I believe he told his employer that they were already married so my daughter could go on a 10 day assignment with him to Hawaii last month. (It is a Christian organization) I thought this was unethical. While my daughter's ex paid many many thousands of dollars for training/education for my daughter-she wanted to be a helicopter pilot--then a nurse (missing two classes to graduate before she realized there are sick people in hospitals and they may be contagious)--then a website designer. She basically has never had a full time job outside the home in her life. Sure she gets lots of attention because for all intent and purposes neither of them work!

It doesn't take a slab of Shattuckite for me to forsee disaster here, Ideas anyone? Advice? Anything?

Oh JewelryQueen. I hate that you are having to deal with this tough situation. I wish I had the wisdom others have shared w/you. Not having children I can only give you a daughter's perspective. I broke my mom's heart more than I like to admit. At times there was nothing she could say that would have changed my direction. I think you can only try to advise her or, as you said, you run the risk of alienating her. I hope she will listen & know you love her. I'd give anything if I still had my mom. I would tell her 'everything she ever said was right' & she would have only smiled & nodded.

Prayers for you & your family

[Gem Lover]

JewelryQueen let me start off by saying I am so sorry you also had an abusive relationship. If you use a good company a background check will show any past marriages, any criminal history and for what he was arrested for ect... had I known that my ex had that criminal history and had been arrested in the past for assault not to mention all the other criminal offenses I would have never married him, he was nice to me until I said I Do and after that everything changed. He too was suppose to be on meds but I was not aware of this either, he never took any but they put him on them when he was back in prison for what he did to me. It is a scary situation for sure. My oldest daughter is married to a very controlling man and he little by little got her away from our family and he made it look like we just all hated him when we were all good to him and my daughter will not talk to anyone in the family now, not even her 3 sisters, she use to live here in New Hampshire and he talked her into moving to Florida to keep her from us, that is why I said to be careful when talking to her about him, I would hate to see this happen to you.