Spooky...

[Catticus]

@Spooky

Hey, Spooooooooooooooooooky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been wondering how you are?

I missssssssssssssssss youuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Catticus

🕊🕊

[JewelryQueen]

Hey Catt! I miss you too! (and the Spookmeister) How are you doing? What's up? How are the family? Have you sent me a card?(I haven't hobbled to the PO in a couple of days)

[Catticus]

My Keeper of the Flame!

I've been in what I call my "Frozen State" - meaning frozen with fear.

However one MAJOR fear is relieved for now...My sis talked with her doctor about the nodule on her thyroid she found and they did the FNA on.

Results: BENIGN!

PHEW!

Now my next major fear is this Friday. My mom's procedure. Her pain pump replacement. We have to be at the hospital at 5:00am. The procedure is at 7:30am.

I won't be bothering to go to bed Thursday night. I won't sleep sooooo why try.

My sis and BIL are driving down. Will meet us at the hospital.

It's worrisome only because this time she is older, and has a pacemaker, and two stents in her heart, with heart attacks in her history now.

They're just reopening the sutured site and replacing her pump because it's old now. But...anesthesia at her age snd with her heart issues...it's terrifying.

She had to see the doctor Monday and bring a list of all her meds. Then yesterday was her pre-op.

They're both exhausted from this back and forth .

I'm in a sort of "Fetal Position Mode." Until this is over, I can't "do" anything. I can't get my lab work done or go see my doctor, and I need to. I hate it, but that's how I am. I've always been this way.

She's fine! Well, as far as fear goes. She doesn't have anxiety issues. I'd rather be the one having this procedure than her. Especially having them knock me out. Ahhhhhhh...sleep!


My sis and I got a lovely mix of genetics. Anxiety from our father's side, depression from our mother's side. My mother has neither. My dad has the kind of anxiety where he won't be late for ANYTHING. But not the kind his mother had.

Aren't genetics wonderful.

Phhhhhhht!

Well at least we got our sense of humor. I guess from, well... I really don't know! My dad's humor is sarcasm. My mom "gets" our jokes snd EXTREME silliness, and laughs. But she isn't that way.

Hmmmm...wonder where we got it?!? We used to say things when our paternal grandma "babysat" us when we were litttttle girls, that had her laughing so hard she couldn't make a sound. Just that outburst of air, which my sis and I do when we are howling with laughter. It hurts too!

We'd say: "Grandma! Are you okay? Are you having a heart attack?! Just nod if you're okay! Just so we know!"

She'd have her face in her hands or a towel, and tears in her eyes while her stomach heaved as she bent forward.


Anyway, if I reminisce too much about those days, I'll get depressed.

I envy my mother. She is so strong. I have not even gone into detail on all the health issues and surgeries she's had in her life. And in the waiting room, to look at it, you'd think my sis or I were having the procedure. My mom sat there calmly reading a book. I once said "Mommmmm! Don't you have ANY anxiety at ALL?!?"

"Nope."

That was her answer.

I recently asked my father the same thing.

"No."

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

"Why what."

"Dadddd! Whyyyyy aren't you worried?!?"

"Because there's nothing anyone can do about it."

"But don't you still worry?"

"You worry about the things you can change. You don't worry about the things you can't."

(One of the longest sentences uttered by him!)

"But daddddddd?! HOW?!? How do you KEEP from worrying?!? It's not like my sis and I ENJOY IT! We don't WANT to worry!"

"Well...you guys...are weird."

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

He truly cannot understand anxiety and depression. He can't fathom it.

I laughed when he said that! He didn't mean it rudely. He was just making a joke about how he cannot understand our anxiety and depression issues.

I said: "You're so lucky. You and mom. Because it ain't fun being this way."

I was talking to a cousin of mine who my mom helped raise. He has depression. We were discussing those in our family who have depression, and how my sis and I always were the anxious worrying type. Even as toddlers. He said to me: "Yeah, but twins...they're never 'normal.' "

I laughed sooooo hard I couldn't breathe! I told my sis and she laughed too!

He's hilarious. He's been retreating. Because his mother died years ago and he's always thought of my mother as his mother, too. He used to call almost every day but he doesn't now and I understand completely why. He has his own health issues but he's been retreating ever since she really started to decline.

She understands, too.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now.

Four years ago we were positive it was the last year we'd have her. Three years ago we were positive. Two years ago we were positive. Then the heart attacks last February and she even said "This will be my last Christmas." But it wasn't.

But I can't help but believe that THIS year is the year. She doesn't fear death. She fears having no control over her life. She fears complete incapacitation.

I don't blame her.

Please pray that if her future is pain, suffering and other health issues she has, getting worse, that God takes her.

But of course we aren't ready. We never will be.

Please pray for the doctors, that the anesthesia does not affect her other issues. And pray for everything to fall into place. Whatever happens. That God helps each of us through this.

They have been married almost 71 years. They've only dated each other. Pray that God gives my father strength if he's the one who is "left."

I learned it never happens how you expect it to. We NEVER thought she'd have a heart attack or stroke. Her doctor said her heart was as strong as a rock. But...arteries get clogged and they're both 94.

Sigh.

I need to end this now.

Thank you for caring, My Dear Friend.

I love you! 🕊



P.S. I will send you a letter soon! Sorry for rambling! My mind is whirling. I'm sending this without checking it. That's something I don't think I've ever done. That's how comfortable I feel with so many of you.
🌪

[JewelryQueen]

Thank you so much for checking in despite all your anxiety. It can be immobilizing so I understand. I will send up special prayers Thursday night and Friday morning.

Oh, am thrilled about your sister's results!!!! Happy dance!

[honey]

Okay Ms Catticus,
No matter how hard that I pray for you not to worry,
you are still gonna worry....
I will be praying for drs. to work to the best of their
ability and for God to watch over your mom and dad
and your sister and bil, and YOU!!!
oh!....and don't worry!

[Gypsy]

@Catticus I think that
You're stronger than you know continued prayers for you and your family. And guidance for all individuals involved with taking care of your mom during her procedure. Love and ((HUGS))) -Gypsy

[Catticus]

Okay Ms Catticus,
No matter how hard that I pray for you not to worry,
you are still gonna worry....
I will be praying for drs. to work to the best of their
ability and for God to watch over your mom and dad
and your sister and bil, and YOU!!!
oh!....and don't worry!

Thank you Sweet Honey, for your prayers and friendship!


And don't worry...

I won't worry!

Oh, you bet I will.

[Catticus]

@Catticus I think that
You're stronger than you know continued prayers for you and your family. And guidance for all individuals involved with taking care of your mom during her procedure. Love and ((HUGS))) -Gypsy

Thank you My Gypsy Gal!


Well...I think I'm probably even weaker than I think I am, but I surely hope you are right!

I haven't been eating right, I haven't been sleeping, and it's probably pathetically obvious by my posts.

Thank you again for your prayers!

🕊

[Catticus]

Thank you so much for checking in despite all your anxiety. It can be immobilizing so I understand. I will send up special prayers Thursday night and Friday morning.

Oh, am thrilled about your sister's results!!!! Happy dance!

Thank you, JewelryQueen! AKA "Mamasan!"

🕊🕊

[Gypsy]

@Catticus I think that
You're stronger than you know continued prayers for you and your family. And guidance for all individuals involved with taking care of your mom during her procedure. Love and ((HUGS))) -Gypsy

Thank you My Gypsy Gal!


Well...I think I'm probably even weaker than I think I am, but I surely hope you are right!

I haven't been eating right, I haven't been sleeping, and it's probably pathetically obvious by my posts.

Thank you again for your prayers!

🕊

Catticus-
No matter what you call it....you took your fears , worries and disappointments all the sh*t rolling around in your head and cleared it out....you trusted us as your friends to hear you and not judge you. To me that is the epitamy of someone who has alot of strength. -Gypsy